On a more serious note

So I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around death lately. Last night I had a dream about a fellow high school classmate of mine who died sometime before we graduated. I used to live in Putnam County and it is famous for its narrow windy roads. Kids in my school drove supped up Hondas and handled the roads like they were a race course. Well one rainy night, my classmates car ran off the road into a tree and died. We weren't best friends, but my school was small enough where I knew everyone, plus we used to sit next to each other in art class. I couldn't believe what happened nor could anyone else in my school,it was truly a very sad period. I never went to the wake or funeral though because I think I was "busy". Now that I look back on it, I regret not going and paying my respects, but when you are in high school, the world doesn't seem as serious as it does now, a least that how it was for me. Now I think, that was someone's child, someone's brother, and I couldn't even imagine what I would do or how I would feel if something were to happen to Noah. I think he has really changed the way I look at everything, I get way more emotional nowadays, and realize I must savor each and every moment of our lives, because you never know when it will be your last. I don't mean to sound so pessimistic, and I don't go around being depressed over it, it has just made me cherish everything so much more then I did.

The dream def threw me for a loop because it literally came out of nowhere, I haven't been thinking about high school or anything like that. I need o talk with a dream consultant about this because it is really baffling me.

A friend of me and Mikes also died this year and that has been really rough on me as well. I guess its because he lived with us for 4-5 months right after Noah was born so we were close. It turned out that living together did more harm then good to all of us, we felt disrespected and it was not a healthy situation for any of us. We ended up kicking him out and he went to live with the crackhead down the hall (who was also part of the problem) Mike and I were no angles by any means, but we straightened our asses out. After that we heard he moved to NJ and then his mom called us some time in January of this year and told us he had died...he was only 22. I still think it about it at least once a week and it brings me tears. He was so young and so smart, and he let drugs get the best of him. The sad part is that Mike and I were not surprised when we found out he died and what the cause was. He was headed down a very scary road when he left us and we really feared for him. Mike feels like it was his fault but I try and tell him that it wasn't. We tried our best, or what we thought was our best to help him, but he was an adult. Looking back on it now, I would have done things differently and maybe not have kicked him out so quickly, but we had an infant to think about as well. And like I said, we made our share of mistakes as well but we couldn't put him on lockdown. He was an adult and choose to do what he did, its just so sad. He OD'd and all I can think about was if he was alone when he died? Or were there people there who were too scared or f'd up to call an ambulance and let him die? It really bothers me that I will never know and my heart breaks for him mom, who is a cancer survivor and has had a very rough life. Her only child is gone now, but she still manages to stay positive.

Life is so short and can be taken away in an instance. Cherish every moment as if it were your last and don't forget to tell the people in your life how much you love them, because one day, it may be too late.

I am so grateful that I have a wonderful family that I can go home to every night and give them a big hug. Noah will always know how much we care about him because I tell him I love him everyday.